Duo's Pranks
by Dorothy Winner
Summary: Who said anything about going after just the pilots? For Duo Maxwell, the ladies are fair prey too...
1. The Ferret is Missing!

The Ferret Is Missing!

Author's Note: This fic was inspired by the artbook picture of Heero with the ferret inside his jacket. So I gave Heero a pet ferret, added a very mischievous Duo, and got this…^_~

Disclaimers: Don't own Gundam Wing.

The Ferret Is Missing!

By Dorothy Winner

~*~

Heero opened the door of the library a fraction, peering through the small crack. Duo and Hilde were visiting them for the day at the Peacecraft palace, and since Hilde was with Relena, Duo had taken to following Heero around wherever he went, talking incessantly. Heero had managed to shake Duo for the moment, saying he had to make a confidential call, and then hid in the library.

Duo was nowhere in sight. Heero snuck out of the library and crept to the end of the hallway, looking around the corner to make sure it was clear before proceeding down the hallway. Heero then remembered that he still had to feed his pet ferret. He turned down another corridor and opened the door to the room where he kept his ferret. Heero walked into the room and froze. 

The cage was… empty. He ran out of the room and barely managed to avoid a collision with Milliardo. "Watch where you're going, Yuy!" snapped Milliardo.

"I'm sorry, have you seen my ferret?" asked Heero. "It's not in its cage, I don't know where it is…"

"_It's not in its cage_?" Milliardo asked, looking nervously around him. "You… you know I'm allergic to its _hair_! You're supposed to keep that thing in its cage!"

"I don't know, the cage door was wide open and it was gone—"

"You're the Perfect Soldier but you can't even design a cage that keeps animals _in_? It could be anywhere by now!"

"Well, we've got to look for it," said Heero.

"Look for it? _I'm_ not looking for it, I'm allergic, remember? _You_ look for it!" Milliardo stomped off in a huff. Heero rolled his eyes. Milliardo was one to be allergic to hair. He probably would have helped, he thought, once he started sneezing they'd know the ferret was close by.

Heero walked back into the room and inspected the cage. How had the ferret gotten it open? Had he forgotten to close it? Just then he noticed the window was open. Shit, thought Heero. What if the ferret had gone outside?

Duo's head appeared around the door. "Hey Heero, Milliardo's lookin' pretty pissed, have you found your ferret yet?"

"No." Heero shook his head. "I think it may have escaped out the window…"

"Well, let's go then, I'll help ya find him," said Duo.

The two of them went outside. "Here, ferret, ferret, ferret, ferret," said Duo. "Come to Duo. Here, ferret, ferret, ferret, ferret…"

"Duo."

"Yeah?"

"Shut. Up."

"Mmmkay." Duo and Heero searched through the grounds of the Peacecraft palace in silence for the next half hour.

Heero stopped walking. "Look, Duo, this isn't working. Let's split up so we can cover more ground."

"Good idea." The two of them started off in the same direction. Heero glared at Duo. "Ooookay… I'll go the other way," said Duo.

Another fifteen minutes passed when Heero heard Duo give a shout from a cluster of trees. "Hey Heero! I found him! He's up in this tree… hang on… I'll get him…"

"Duo!" called Heero. "Ferrets don't climb trees! It's probably just a—"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Duo yelled. Heero saw Duo come crashing down from a fifty-foot tall tree, breaking branches along the way. He hit the ground with a sickening thud.

"Oh my God! Duo!" Heero ran toward the group of trees. Duo lay facedown on the ground. "Duo! Are you okay?" Heero turned him over. A mannequin stared sightlessly back at him. "What the…"

"Ha ha! Got you!" Duo emerged from behind a tree, laughing raucously, carrying an animal carrier with the ferret inside. "Who's the king? Who's the king?"

Heero deathglared at Duo. "Duo… omae o korosu!"

"Yikes!" Duo dropped the animal carrier and took off at a sprint, Heero at his heels.

~*~

Hilde and Relena were walking through the gardens of the Peacecraft palace, chatting amiably, when Duo shot past them like a rocket. "Hilde! Help me!" cried Duo. A few seconds later, Heero ran by, stopping to ask, "Which way did Duo go?"

Hilde and Relena both pointed in the direction Duo went. "Thanks," said Heero hastily, before taking off after Duo again.

Relena looked at Hilde. "What was that all about?"

Hilde shrugged. "I don't know. I've learned it's best if we don't get involved."

~*~

Duo tripped as he ran out of the gardens and was tackled by Heero to the ground. "Aaaaahhhh!" Duo yelled as Heero pinned him in a vicious headlock and wrapped his braid around his wrist. He gave it a sharp tug. Duo yowled in pain.

"Never, _ever_, mess with my ferret again," said Heero in a dangerous low voice. He gave Duo's braid another yank. "Or you will find yourself deprived of this braid. Do you understand?"

"Yes," sniveled Duo, "please, not the braid, not the braid, I'm sorry…"

"Baka." Heero let Duo go and went back to retrieve the ferret, which had been left behind during the chase. He opened the door of the animal carrier and took out the ferret, which snuggled up in his jacket. He returned to the gardens and found Hilde and Relena on the bench, with Duo in Hilde's arms, Hilde stroking his hair comfortingly.

"How could you, Heero?" Hilde said reproachfully.

"Duo kidnapped _my_ ferret and _I'm_ the bad guy here?" said Duo.

"It was just a joke, Heero," said Relena. "You know Duo would never let anything happen to your ferret." Duo whimpered.

"Fine. Take his side then. We're leaving," said Heero to his ferret, walking away.

Once Heero was out of sight, Duo looked up, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "There's one thing I forgot to mention to Heero."

"What?" Relena and Hilde asked together.

"DDDDDUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"That's not his ferret."

~*~

Fin


	2. The Pantene Pro-V Mixup

The Pantene Pro-V Mixup

Author's Note: Zechs/Milliardo is the victim in this one… ^_~ Thanks to saba for the idea! I've already got Trowa and Wufei planned out… Any ideas would be appreciated. Hope you like it!

Disclaimers: Don't own Gundam Wing. Just having fun with Zechs's hair… 

The Pantene Pro-V Mix-up

by Dorothy Winner

~*~

Milliardo awoke to the sound of the vidphone beeping. He sighed and eased gently out of Noin's embrace, smiling as she stirred and murmured in her sleep. He pulled on a robe and turned on the vidphone. "What is it?"

Duo's face appeared on the screen. He looked slightly disappointed."Um… erm… ah, L-Lady Une wants you down at Preventers HQ for something. Yeah, that's it," said Duo.

Milliardo raised an eyebrow. "All right… thanks, Duo." He turned off the vidphone. That was odd, he thought, Duo wasn't even wearing his Preventers uniform. He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting it heat up before he stepped inside. He looked at his choice of shampoos, deciding on Pantene Pro-V rather than Noin's Clairol Herbal Essences, which smelled 'too feminine' for his liking. He poured some into his palm and massaged it into his long, platinum blonde tresses, humming off key to himself. He stepped back under the spray to wash out the shampoo.

He looked down at his feet. Green water was swirling down into the drain. _Green_? "What the…" Milliardo turned off the water and opened the shower door, and looked at himself in the mirror. "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! _Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh_!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Noin was instantly jarred into wakefulness. She bolted out of the bed and grabbed her gun from the bedside table. Somebody was attacking Milliardo! Milliardo was screaming like she had never heard him scream before. It sounded like the screams were coming from the bathroom. She pounded on the bathroom door with her fist. "Open the door! _Open the door_!"

"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! _Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh_!!!! AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh!!!!!!!"

Milliardo sounded like he was in agony. "That's it, I'm coming in!" Noin shot the doorknob to pieces and kicked the door open. Milliardo was standing there with a towel over his head. Noin looked around the bathroom. She didn't see any signs of forced entry. "Zechs! Whatever were you screaming for?"

"Please leave me alone, Noin," mumbled Milliardo beneath the towel, "I can no longer let anyone see me…"

"What are you talking about?" asked Noin, frowning in puzzlement. "And _what_ is that _towel_ doing over your _head_?"

Milliardo sank to the floor in despair. He pulled off the towel. "Look at my hair, Noin."

Noin stared at his hair, her expression a mixture of astonishment and horror. "Zechs, it's…it's… _green_!"

Green indeed it was, if it could be called that. It was a grotesque, pond scum, rot-colored, barf shade of green, with patches here and there of the original platinum blonde to heighten the ghastly effect. "How…how did this happen?"

"I don't know," moaned Milliardo, "I…I went to take a shower, and I used the Pantene Pro-V, and… and then…"

Noin went over to the shower and poured the Pantene Pro-V, thick, green liquid oozing out of the bottle. "Zechs, this isn't shampoo… it's…green hair dye! Why didn't you look at what you were pouring into your hand before you put it to your hair?"

"Well, why was there green hair dye in my Pantene Pro-V in the first place?" Milliardo was beginning to sound hysterical. "What am I going to do?"

Relena and Heero walked into Milliardo and Noin's room, looking very sleepy. "What was all that screaming?" asked Relena. "It sounded like somebody was dying…"

"Worse," said Noin. She gestured toward Milliardo in the bathroom, who had to choose between covering himself or his hair. He chose to put the towel around his waist, which, of course, left his hair for Relena and Heero to see.

Relena gasped. "Oh my goodness. What happened to your hair?"

The corners of Heero's mouth twitched. Milliardo glared at him. "Not one word, Yuy. Not one word."

Relena looked from Heero to Milliardo. "Um…um, Heero, I think we'd better go." The two of them turned to leave. "I'm so sorry, Milliardo," said Relena, as she dragged a smirking Heero out of the room.

Noin checked the bottle of Clairol Herbal Essences, which, fortunately, had remained shampoo. "Well," said Noin, "I suppose we'd better see if we can wash this stuff out."

~*~

Half a bottle of Clairol Herbal Essences and twenty rinses later, the green hair dye showed no signs of washing out of Milliardo' hair, not fading the least bit. Noin sighed, her arms beginning to tire from the repeated scrubbings. "It's no use, Zechs, I don't think this is coming out," she said. "I think we might have to cut it."

Milliardo's mood had turned from despairing into furious. "WHAT??? You want to _cut_ my _hair_?"

"Well, I can't think of anything else. Hair grows back, you know. Besides, you can't go to work at Preventers with your hair looking like that," said Noin.

Preventers… Preventers… Milliardo suddenly remembered something. He leapt to his feet. "Maxwell! He did this! He put the dye in my shampoo!"

Noin looked taken aback. "Zechs…calm down…please…"

"He called me this morning to tell me to report at Preventers HQ, but he wasn't even wearing a uniform! He just wanted to see if my hair was green yet!" Milliardo was apoplectic with rage. "I'll kill him! _I'll kill him_!"

"Look, we don't know that…" began Noin.

"YES HE DID! This is _exactly_ the sort of thing Maxwell would do!" Milliardo clenched his hands into fists. "When I get my hands on _him_…" He grabbed a towel, quickly drying himself off, and put on the first set of clothes he encountered—his Preventers uniform. He rummaged around in his closet and dug out his Zechs Merquise helmet, tucking his green-blonde hair inside before putting it on his head.

"Zechs!" cried Noin. "Where are you going?"

"After Maxwell!"  
  


~*~

Duo Maxwell sauntered down the stairs of his house to the kitchen, where Hilde was making breakfast. He gave her a squeeze on her behind. "Duo! Stop that!" snapped Hilde.

Duo gave her a little kiss on the cheek. "Love ya, babe. What's for eating?"

"Pancakes and sausage," said Hilde, pouring some batter into a pan.

"Yum!" Duo kissed her again and plopped himself down at the table like a hungry child, grinning.

"Why are you in such a good mood?" asked Hilde. "I know you're not a morning person."

Duo chuckled. "Well, let's just say…a plan of mine is about to succeed."

Hilde's eyes narrowed. "I don't like that look in your eyes. What did you do this time, Duo?"

Duo grinned sheepishly. "N-nothing, Hilde-babe."

"You're up to something! What is it?" asked Hilde.

Duo gave her his innocent puppy-dog look. "Who, me? I didn't do anything."

"By saying that, now I'm positive that you really did do something. Spill it."

"Mmmm, are those pancakes ready yet?" asked Duo.

"Du-o!" Hilde said exasperatedly. "Fine. But if someone comes after your head, don't expect me to save your ass."

The two of them were interrupted by the sound of screeching tires. Hilde looked up. "What the hell was that?"

They heard a car door slam and someone pounding on the front door. Duo went pale.

"Well, get the door, Duo, it's rude to keep visitors waiting outside," said Hilde.

"Um…um…you get it," stuttered Duo, his voice sounding higher than usual.

"Do you want your pancakes burned or what? _Get the door_," Hilde ordered.

Duo _very_ reluctantly went to the front door and slowly opened it. A glowering Milliardo Peacecraft stood there, looking none too happy.

Duo sweatdropped. "Heh…gonna start wearing the helmet again?"

Milliardo lifted Duo by his shirt collar with one arm until Duo's feet were dangling in the air. "Hilde! Help me!" He managed to look to the side and saw Hilde standing there, shaking her head.

"Sorry, Duo, you're on your own."

~*~

It was necessary to cut Milliardo's hair as close as possible. He complained that his hair hadn't been this short since he was six. Noin had managed to comfort Milliardo by saying that Sally was working on a formula to stimulate Milliardo's hair follicles to make his hair grow back faster. It was called Rogaine, she said. Still, Milliardo's new haircut didn't fail to produce a perfect sensation the first day he went back to work at Preventers. Nobody dared to make a comment, though, because nobody wanted to suffer the same fate Duo Maxwell had.

~*~

"Okay, Duo, open up."

Duo opened his mouth and swallowed the spoonful of gruel Hilde gave him. "The doctor says you should be able to eat solid food next week," she said. "You should be able to see out of your right eye in about a month."

Duo grunted, which was about all the sound he could make in response, because Milliardo had damaged the vocal cords in his throat trying to strangle him. Even so, Duo was expected to make a complete, albeit slow, recovery.

Hilde hugged Duo, even with his broken left leg and two broken arms. "I love you, Duo, I'm so sorry I didn't help you; I didn't realize that Milliardo was going to beat you up so bad…"

Duo's remaining good eye twinkled mischievously. Yeah, so Milliardo had beaten him to a bloody pulp, and he was now laid up in a wheelchair for the next six months. What did he think of it?

Plenty of time to plan a prank for his next victim!

~*~

Fin


	3. Pink Pajamas

Pink Pajamas

Author's Note: This is the third fic in my Duo's Pranks series… Thank you so much for your encouraging reviews! They inspire me to keep writing! The idea for this story is again accredited to saba, to which I added a little twist… You can probably guess from the title what will happen… ^_~

Disclaimers: Don't own Gundam Wing. Just giving Wufei a change of wardrobe…

Pink Pajamas

by Dorothy Winner

~*~

Sally walked into the room where Wufei was practicing his martial arts. "What do you want, onna?" Wufei asked.

"We will have some guests staying over next week," stated Sally.

Wufei continued to do a series of kicks. "Who?"

"Duo and Hilde."

Wufei froze in mid-kick and fell in an undignified heap on the floor. He quickly stood up. "_What_? You invited that baka and his woman to come _here_ to our _house_?"

"Yes," said Sally, "and they will be guests in our house. I expect you to treat them with the same courtesy as any other guest."

"Guest? Maxwell is not an ordinary guest, he is a walking disaster waiting to happen!" exclaimed Wufei. "Certain precautions must be taken around that…that…man. We shall have to lock everything up… hide the breakables… put all our china and porcelain figures away…"

"For goodness sake, Wufei, he's a grown man, not a three-year-old," said Sally.

"He is _exactly_ like a three-year old! He is hyperactive and childish and immature and he never shuts up!"

"Stop overreacting, Wufei," Sally said reproachfully, "you should be happy for him, he just got his casts off…"

"That was his own fault. That braided baka should not have crossed Milliardo Peacecraft," said Wufei.

"Don't be so hard on Duo, he's a good person, and you and I both know that," admonished Sally. "It will be a very nice experience for both Duo and Hilde. Hilde has lived in the colonies most of her life; she's never been to China, and she's really looking forward to it…"

"Well, _she's_ okay, why does Maxwell have to come?" Wufei complained.

"Stop being inconsiderate, Wufei. It would be very rude to just invite Hilde and not Duo. They're practically engaged, and Hilde would be very upset if Duo couldn't come along." Sally straightened. "Anyways, I didn't come in here to argue with you. I came to tell you that they're coming for a visit, and they're arriving this Sunday, and they're staying for a week, and you can't argue otherwise." She turned and walked out of the room.

Wufei stared after her in disbelief. How had that woman gained so much control over him?

~*~

"Hey, Wu-man! Whassup?" Duo practically glomped Wufei when they arrived at the door, smothering him in a huge bear hug. "I've missed you a lot, man!"

"Hello, Duo," said Wufei, somewhat stiffly.

Duo let go of Wufei. "Sally! How's my favorite doctor doing?" he asked, hugging her as well.

Sally laughed. "I'm very well, Duo. Here, Hilde, let me help you with your bags," she said.

"Thank you," said Hilde. "I'm so glad you invited us here. China is such a beautiful place. I love the trees and the mountains…"

"Would you like me to give you a little tour?" Sally offered, smiling.

"Really?" said Hilde. "I'd love that!"

Sally turned toward Wufei and Duo. "Do you guys want to come with us?"

Wufei opened his mouth to answer, but Duo beat him to it. "Nope, Wu-man and I will be fine here, you ladies go ahead and have fun on your tour!"

"All right, we'll be back in a bit." Sally and Hilde left.

Wufei ran to the window. "No! Sally! Do not leave me here alone with Maxwell!" His words fell on deaf ears.

"Guess you're stuck with me, Wu-man!" Duo said cheerfully, giving Wufei a hearty slap on the back.

"Do not call me that, Maxwell!" Wufei said angrily.

"Mmmkay. Nice house you got here, Wuffie," said Duo. He reached for a tall blue and white vase. "Oooooh, pretty…"

"Do not touch that, Maxwell!" yelled Wufei. "That is a priceless vase from the Ming Dynasty!"

"Oh." Duo quickly drew his hand back, turning his attention to a large red tapestry on the wall with Chinese calligraphy on it. "What does that say?"

"Well, it is a Chinese proverb that means…" As Wufei went on and explained the characters and translations, Duo spotted several sets of Chinese therapy balls on a table. He picked up one of the metal balls from its box and shook it, listening to it chime. "Cool," he whispered. He grabbed the rest of them and started juggling them in the air. "Look, Wuffie, I'm juggling!" cried Duo.

Wufei turned around. "No! Those are not used for juggling!"

"Whoops!" To Wufei's horror, Duo dropped one, and it fell to the floor with a large thunk.

"Oy…" Duo picked it up to reveal a rather large new dent in the wood floor.

Wufei closed his eyes. 'Must remain calm, must remain calm…' "Look, Maxwell, do not touch anything unless I give you permission, okay?"

"Sorry, Wu-man…" Duo examined the dent. "I think I can fix it, though…"

"NO! I mean, it's okay, you don't have to, really." A sudden inspiration came to Wufei. "Here, Maxwell," he said, going to a drawer and taking out a small straw tube, "this is called a Chinese finger trap. You just put one finger in one end, and your other finger in the other…"

"Cool!" Duo stuck his index fingers in each end. Then he tried to pull them out, tugging his fingers in opposite directions. The straw tightened around his fingers. "Um, Wu-man…" he said, tugging again unsuccessfully, "I can't get my fingers out…"

"That's why it's called a finger trap, Maxwell…"

Wufei was extremely relieved when Hilde and Sally finally returned from their tour. "Your house is so beautiful," gushed Hilde, "and it has a wonderful view." She looked at Wufei and Duo. "Why is there a giant dent in the floor? And what are you doing with your fingers?"

Wufei sighed. It was going to be a _long_ visit…

~*~

The next several days went by uneventfully, much to Wufei's relief. It has been almost normal, except for their first meal, when Duo had some trouble with the chopsticks. No matter how much Wufei and Sally tried to teach him how to use them, food seemed to end up everywhere except Duo's mouth. In the end, Duo gave up, put the plate to his lips, and scraped the food into his mouth with the chopsticks. Needless to say, the four of them went into town the next day and bought Duo a spoon and a fork.

Since then, though, Duo had been helpful, courteous, well behaved… he even started calling him Wufei. It made Wufei very suspicious. What was Maxwell up to?

He was sitting at breakfast pondering this very question when Sally announced, "Today we're taking you guys to see the Great Wall of China."

"I thought the Great Wall of China was thousands of miles long," said Hilde.

"Oh, it is," said Sally. "We'll only be walking on part of it, though. Most of the Great Wall is closed off to the public."

"Sorry, guys, but I can't go," said Duo suddenly.

"What?" Wufei, Sally, and Hilde asked at the same time.

"Well," said Duo, "we've been doing a lot of walking, you know, seeing the sights and everything, and I'm afraid my leg's not quite all the way back in top shape. It was in that cast all that time, and the muscles atrophied, and it's been getting stronger, but I've started limping lately, so maybe I should take it easy for a while…"

Wufei's eyes narrowed. It was true, he had noticed a limp in Duo's walk the day before, but something was not quite right…

"Oh, of course, Duo," said Sally. "That sometimes happens to people who have worn casts for an extended period of time. If you're experiencing any pain, it's best to stay off of it, sit down, elevate the leg…"

"Thanks, Sally," said Duo. "I knew you'd understand. Just take a lot of pictures for me, okay?"

"You mean we're going to leave Duo here in our house all _alone_?" Wufei asked.

"It's okay, Wufei, I promise I won't break any of your stuff," said Duo.

"You expect me to believe _you_?" Wufei said skeptically.

"Stop it, Wufei," Sally said sternly. "We've already discussed this…"

Wufei huffed. "Fine. But if you do anything to my house or anything in it, you're going to regret it, Maxwell. Is that clear?"

Duo smiled his not-so-innocent smile. "Crystal."

~*~

Once Wufei, Sally, and Hilde left, Duo got up out of the chair, walking very well to the bathroom for someone who claimed to have a limp. He went over to the bathtub and turned on the hot water, letting it fill. He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a packet of pink powder, tore it open and poured the powder into the water, which turned into a dark magenta color. 

Duo went to Wufei and Sally's room, opening Wufei's closet to reveal several sets of immaculately white Chinese pants and jackets. Duo gleefully rubbed his hands together, removed the clothes from their hangers, and took them back to the bathroom. One by one, he dropped the clothes into the magenta water and gave it a stir with a back brush. He decided to wait for a while in order to let the dye absorb.

Half an hour later, Duo went back into the bathroom and drained out the water. As the last of the water swirled down the drain, Duo chuckled evilly to himself.

Wufei's clothes were now…hot pink.

~*~

Wufei, Sally, and Hilde returned to find Duo sitting on the floor, attempting to build a pyramid with Wufei's mahjongg set.

"No, Maxwell! Those are not used as playing blocks!" exclaimed Wufei.

But it was too late. "Whoops!" Duo's pyramid collapsed and the mahjongg tiles scattered all over the floor. "Don't worry… I'll get 'em…" Duo reached for one under a table and hit his elbow on a leg, upsetting the precious Ming dynasty vase on it.

"NO!" Wufei made a spectacular dive and slid across the floor, barely catching the vase in time. Wufei sighed with relief.

Sally and Hilde applauded. "Ten," they said at the same time.

Wufei got up and put the vase back on the table, scowling. "I return to my home for less than five minutes and already you have managed to scatter my entire mahjongg set all over the living room and topple a priceless vase. What else have you done to my house, Maxwell?"

"I didn't do anything," said Duo.

Wufei glared at him. "I find that very difficult to believe."

Duo looked at Wufei with his puppy-dog eyes. "But I never tell a lie."

"That look does not work on me, Maxwell," snapped Wufei. " Do you take me for a fool? Do not expect me to believe that you didn't do anything to my house while being left alone in it all day."

"I swear I didn't do anything," said Duo. "Gundam pilot's honor."

"Do not speak to me about _honor_, Maxwell! You have no honor!"

"Look, if you're mad about the blocks…"

"Do not attempt to change the subject!" shouted Wufei. "Tell me what you did!"

"That is enough, Wufei!" said Sally. "Let it go."

"But—"

"_Let it go_." Sally repeated sternly. Wufei grumbled, muttering something about onnas and respect.

"What was that, Wufei?"

"None of your business, woman," Wufei retorted.

Silence.

"It's too bad you couldn't see the Great Wall, Duo," Hilde broke in, trying to ease the sudden tension in the room. "Did you know that the workers who died while building it were buried inside the wall?"

"Really? How cool," said Duo. "How many?"

"Oh, they don't know," said Hilde, "thousands maybe." She looked at Sally, who was glaring at Wufei, who was glaring at Duo, who was still picking up the mahjongg tiles. "You know what, I think you should all apologize to each other."

Sally blinked and looked at Hilde. "Of course, you're right, Hilde. I'm sorry for being so harsh to you, Wufei."

"Yeah, and I'm sorry I messed up your mahjongg blocks and knocked over your vase," said Duo.

Everyone looked at Wufei expectantly.

Wufei huffed. "Oh all right. I'm sorry I yelled at you, Maxwell," he said brusquely.

Hilde smiled happily. "See? Isn't that much better? Now let's just forget about the whole thing, okay? It's almost time for dinner; I'll help you cook, Sally."

"We're eating? Yeah!" cried Duo.

Wufei shook his head. "You truly are a bottomless pit, Maxwell."

~*~

After dinner, the four of them decided to watch a movie. After some debate, they settled on 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,' with the subtitles on for Duo and Hilde's benefit.

Wufei scoffed. "This movie is unrealistic. People do not fly through the air like that. What did they do, film this movie in zero-g?"

"Actually, no," said Sally. "This movie was made in the early 21st century A.D. They had to pull people up with ropes to make them fly…"

"Did you see how she put that giant blade _right_ through that guy's skull?" exclaimed Duo. "And how that other guy chopped her sword up into little bits with the Green Destiny and the pieces just _tore_ her insides apart…"

"What a sad, sad ending," sniffed Hilde, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. "I didn't think Li Wu Bai was going to _die_…"

"It is just a movie," Wufei said scornfully. "It is a work of fiction. It is not real. There is no reason to get caught up in it…"

"You didn't like the movie, Wufei?" asked Sally. "I thought you would have liked the martial arts sequences…"

"Well, it was either this or Maxwell's 'Spaceballs,'" said Wufei.

"Hey, don't diss Spaceballs; Spaceballs is a _great_ movie," said Duo."'And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine! But let's see how you handle it!'"

Everyone gave Duo a very odd look.

"Um… never mind." Duo yawned. "I think it's nighty-night for me." He stood up and left for the bedroom he and Hilde were staying in.

"Yeah, we'll see you tomorrow morning, you guys," said Hilde, getting up and following Duo.

Sally dragged Wufei to his feet. "C'mon, Wufei, let's go to bed," she said, pulling on his arm.

"Let go of me, woman." Wufei harrumphed. "If there were a movie about us, it would be called 'Crazy Onna, Mighty Dragon.'"

Sally smacked him in the arm.

~*~

Wufei awoke at dawn, which he did regularly, to do his morning meditations outside in the mountains. He got out of bed, careful not to wake the still sleeping Sally, and put his hair into its customary ponytail. He went to his closet and opened it.

Wufei blinked. Why had everything gone pink all of a sudden? He searched through the entire closet, rummaging through the hangers. Every single one of his clothes was _pink_! 

There was only one person who could be responsible for this.

"MMMMAAAAAAAAAXXWWWELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

~*~

Hilde woke with a start. "What is going on? Who is doing all that yelling?"

Duo sat up nervously. "Heh…must be…"

BANG.

The door flew open with such force that it fell off its hinges and crashed to the floor. A very irate Wufei stood there, in just his boxers, his black eyes glittering furiously. It looked like steam was going to come out of his ears. He slowly raised the sword in his hand, pointing it directly at Duo.

Duo gulped, backing up until he hit his head on the headboard. "So…here to borrow some of my clothes?"

This was exactly the wrong thing to say, and Duo knew it. Wufei's face contorted with rage. "KISAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Yipe! Gotta go!" Duo bolted out of the bed and scrambled out the window, which he had left open just for such an escape.

"Maxwell! You cannot run from me!" Wufei climbed out the window after him. "I swear I will have justice!"

Hilde and Sally ran to the window to see Wufei chasing Duo through the Chinese wilderness, both in just their boxers. "Hilde! Help me!" cried Duo.

Hilde sighed, shaking her head. "He _always_ says that."

"Looks like Duo's really in for it this time," said Sally. "Do you have a life insurance policy on that guy?"

Hilde laughed. "Are you kidding me? No insurance company is willing to cover _him_…"

"I can see why," said Sally dryly.

"Now you shall suffer my wrath!" roared Wufei, waving his katana in the air as he chased after Duo.

"Bring it on, Justice Boy!" Duo yelled, running around and laughing like a maniac.

Hilde and Sally looked at each other. "Men," they said at the same time.

~*~

Wufei chased Duo into a bamboo forest, hacking bamboo branches out of his way with his sword. "Coward!" he shouted. "Turn around and face me, you weakling!"

"Sorry, but I'm going to have to say no to that!" Duo yelled back. "Yikes!" The forest abruptly ended at the edge of a cliff. The bottom of the cliff was lost in swirls of mist. Duo was trapped.

Wufei knew that the cliff was there. He spotted Duo just beyond the trees, unable to go any further. He had him now. He lunged and took a swipe at Duo with his sword.

Duo's scalp suddenly felt… less weighted. He turned around to see Wufei standing there, katana in hand, a triumphant look on his face. "Justice is served," he said with satisfaction.

Duo looked down in front of him. Twelve inches of braid lay on the ground.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

~*~

However, the fact remained that Wufei's clothes were still pink.

Sally inspected a pair of pink Chinese pants. "Well, I think I should be able to bleach the dye out," she said. "They're going to have to soak for some time, though." She looked at Wufei, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, still in his white silk boxers, now the only article of his clothing that was still white. "Don't you have anything else you can wear in the meantime?"

"Onna, if I did, I wouldn't be sitting here in just my boxers, would I?" snapped Wufei.

"Okay…" Sally thought for a moment. "I should be able to lend you some of my clothes for now…"

"Injustice!" cried Wufei. "I do _not_ wear women's clothing!"

"Well, you don't really have a choice, do you?" Sally retorted. "Would you rather wear these?" she asked, waving the pink pants in the air.

"I am not wearing that nor any of your clothing, onna!" yelled Wufei. "It is dishonorable for a man to wear women's clothes! It is not…masculine!"

"Oh, _excuse me_ if I have offended your male pride," Sally hissed. "I should have known better than to try and help _you_…"

"I do not need your help, woman!" Wufei replied angrily.

"Fine!" huffed Sally. "Go naked. See if I…care." Her gaze drifted down to his boxers. "Actually…" she licked her lips, "…that might not be so…bad…" she whispered as she slowly approached Wufei with a predatory look in her eyes.

Wufei's anger quickly turned into desire. "Onna…"

~*~

The atmosphere in Duo and Hilde's house upon their return was a very somber and gloomy one indeed. 

Duo's hair, which used to reach his hips, was now only down to the middle of his back. Duo was having a hard time deciding what to do with the shorn-off part of his braid. He couldn't bear to just throw it out; that seemed… unsuitable and inappropriate. He couldn't keep it, either; it would just serve as a painful reminder of his "hair loss" every time he looked at it. He didn't want to sell it; to have his hair end up in a wig was just… sacrilegious.

Which was why Duo and Hilde were standing in their backyard, giving it a proper funeral.

Duo sniffed, a big tear rolling down his nose and splashing off at the end of it. "My poor, beautiful braid…I shouldn't have lost you this way. Not like this." He turned his watery gaze toward Hilde. "Would you like to say something?"

Hilde sighed. The things she did out of love for this man… "Uh, I'll never forget the time Heero tried to use you as a paintbrush for his Gundam because Duo hid his real one…I'll… I'll miss you too."

"Good ole Heero…" His sight blurring, Duo blinked back tears. "I remember when he used you to try and choke me for putting shaving cream in his moon boots…"

Tears came into Hilde's eyes then, although they were tears of mirth, not sorrow. "And when Milliardo stuffed you into Duo's mouth to try to get him to stop talking…"

"And when Quatre fell out of his chair at breakfast and thought I was some kind of monster because I hadn't brushed and braided my hair yet…"

"And when the hair stylist in the Bahamas nearly cried when Duo asked for full cornrows…"

"Those were good times…I'm really gonna miss ya a lot," Duo said, his voice cracking.

Hilde suddenly felt some sympathy for Duo. He looked so pitiful standing there, utterly miserable, trying not to cry. "Awwwww, Duo…come here…" She held her arms out to Duo, who immediately went into her embrace and burst into tears.

"It's okay, Duo, your hair will grow back," she said comfortingly, cradling him like a small child. "You see? You should stop with these pranks; all they're going to do is get you hurt. Haven't you learned your lesson now?"

Duo stopped crying and lifted his head, an impish look in his eyes. "Yeah…next time I won't get caught!"

~*~

Fin


	4. Devil in the Lion's Den

Devil in the Lion's Den

Author's Note: FINALLY! Sorry this took so long to get out… I had a horrible wall of writer's block that squelched any writing for the past two weeks… everything was planned but I couldn't seem to get past this one scene. Credit goes to Leeko for this one… I know she's already done this prank before, but it's such a great one, I had to do it again… hope it's not too similar… if it is just tell me, I'll change it… And now… introducing… the next victim of Duo's Pranks… Trowa Barton! (applause applause)

Disclaimers: Don't own Gundam Wing. Just borrowing Trowa's lions…

Devil in the Lion's Den

by Dorothy Winner

~*~

Duo and Hilde sat at the kitchen table one morning, eating breakfast. Hilde was reading the front page of the paper, while Duo was reading the comics section.

"Hey Duo," said Hilde, "there's an article here about Trowa's circus. It says they're going to have several performances here on Earth after having toured the colonies for the past six months."

"Really?" Duo asked, spooning a mouthful of Froot Loops into his mouth. "Where?"

"Well, according to their touring schedule, it looks like they're going to be making a stop here in our town—"

"What?" Duo nearly spat out his Froot Loops. "_When_?"

"Next week," said Hilde. She began to read parts of the article to him. "Trowa's trained his lions to do some new stunts, they have a brand-new trapeze act, they're going to be strapping Trowa to a spinning wheel for the knife act, and Catherine will be riding an elephant… It says here that it's going to be at the…" She paused and looked up at Duo. "Duo? Are you listening to me, Duo?"

But Duo hadn't heard anything past the words 'next week.' Everything else Hilde had said had simply gone in one ear and out the other. A plan started to form in his mind… and an evil grin spread across Duo's face.

"Oh no…" Hilde could almost see the wheels turning inside Duo's head. "I know that look on your face… Please," Hilde begged, "please, whatever you're going to do, _don't_ do it, _please_…"

Hilde might as well have been talking to a brick wall. Duo's mind was already off scheming in his own little world of pranks… and not even Hilde could bring him back.

~*~

Trowa and Catherine stood on platforms opposite each other, fifty feet in the air, preparing for their trapeze act. Trowa was wearing dark green tights with a gold tank top. Catherine wore a dress similar to her pink one, except it was a deep, royal blue color. An imperceptible signal passed between the two of them as they simultaneously launched into the air.

The crowd below cheered wildly as the brother and sister team performed a series of complex, daring flips and somersaults, each one more dangerous than the next. The routine ended with Trowa doing a spectacular quadruple somersault and catching the trapeze bar one-handed.

Hilde and Duo were sitting in the front row, in seats courtesy of Trowa and Catherine. Hilde applauded enthusiastically. "That was so wonderful, wasn't it, Duo? Duo?"

"Yeah?" Duo turned, his face sticky with cotton candy. It looked like he had a pink beard. "Can you get me another one of these, Hilde? This stuff is _great_…"

"_Duo_!" Hilde said in exasperation. "Your face is a mess! You have pink sugar all over your mouth and chin! And no, I am not getting you another cotton candy, you've had three already…"

"Awww…" Duo groaned in disappointment. He then comically proceeded to try and lick the sugar from the edges of his mouth with his tongue.

"Ugh! I swear, it's like I'm taking care of a big kid sometimes!" Hilde turned Duo's head towards her and started to wipe the sugar off his face herself with her handkerchief.

"Ooooh! Ooooh! Hilde, it's the balloon guy!" Duo exclaimed, pointing. "Do you think he can make a balloon Deathscythe for me?"

"_No_, Duo, those balloons are only supposed to be for little kids, now will you stop acting like one?" Hilde finished wiping the last of the cotton candy off of Duo's face. "Now please, just sit still and watch the show. Trowa and his lions are going to be on next…"

The circus lights dimmed and a single spotlight circled around the circus ring before focusing at the ring's entrance, where Trowa emerged, flanked by two, full grown African male lions. At a gesture from Trowa, both lions reared up on their hind legs, towering nearly twice Trowa's height, and gave a loud roar.

Duo gaped. "Th… those are Trowa's lions?"

"Yeah, aren't they amazing?" Hilde shouted over the cheering crowd. "Go, Trowa!" she exclaimed as Trowa signaled the lions to jump through a series of flaming hoops.

Duo watched the lions uneasily. This was going to be harder than he thought…

~*~

Later after the show, Duo and Hilde went to go visit Trowa and Catherine. They took the back exit of the main circus tent and looked around.

"Hilde! Duo!" Catherine waved merrily from the door of the trailer she and Trowa shared. "I haven't seen you in the longest time! Please, come on in!"

Hilde and Duo stepped inside. It was a small but cozy trailer, decorated with a wide variety of things from the many places the circus had traveled.

"Oh, I like to get something at each place we stop in," said Catherine, who emerged from the kitchenette with a large steaming pot and several bowls and spoons. "Would you like some soup?"

"Uh…" Duo had once been told by Wufei to avoid Catherine's soup at all costs. "Um—"

"Sure, we'd love to," said Hilde eagerly, who obviously had never been warned by Wufei. Catherine gave them two bowls with a generous helping of the soup. Duo looked at his bowl with some trepidation.

"Eat up," said Catherine brightly. "Come on, I want to see how you like it."

Duo reluctantly put the spoon to his lips and took a sip. He promptly spat it out. "Gaaaahh! What the hell is in this stuff?"

Hilde tried the soup as well and a strange expression crossed her face. She managed to cough the soup down. "Oh… oh dear…"

"Another two victims of my sister's soup, I see," said Trowa, walking into the trailer. "Catherine, what did I tell you about giving your soup to others?"

"Well…" stammered Catherine, "it… it was a new recipe… I was so sure they would like it…"

Duo, meanwhile, had run to the sink and was gulping down copious amounts of water. "Geez, Tro', no wonder you're so skinny, if you have to eat this stuff every day…"

Catherine looked crestfallen. "Don't worry about it, Cathy," said Trowa, putting an arm around her, "I'm sure you'll get it right someday. C'mon, some of the stagehands are having a barbecue out back…"

Trowa led the three of them to an area behind the main circus tent, where a large grill was barbecuing away very nicely.

"Mmm! Burgers!" Duo cried out and took off after the grill like a shot.

"It's okay, guys," Trowa called out when the stagehands protested as Duo grabbed four burgers at once, "he's a friend of mine. If you guys run out I'll go into town and get some more burgers, okay?"

"You know," said Hilde, "Duo could be an attraction at your circus. 'Duo Maxwell: The Amazing Eating Machine!'"

Trowa watched Duo, who was already on his second burger, "No kidding… he eats more than the rest of us Gundam pilots combined…"

After having eaten, Trowa and Catherine showed Duo and Hilde around their circus camp. "We usually don't use the main tent unless we're rehearsing or performing," said Trowa. "That area behind the main tent where we just were is our eating area. The cluster of tents and trailers where ours was is where everybody sleeps for the night. That big tent over there on the right is our costumes and props tent; that's where we get fitted and dressed and get our makeup and everything. Now here is where we keep the animals…"

The four of them came upon several cages lined up in two rows facing each other. "Oh wow," said Hilde, walking up to a cage with a magnificent white tiger in it. "It's so beautiful…"

Another cage contained a camel. It turned and looked at Trowa with its big eyes. "This guy came to us courtesy of Quatre. He found it wandering alone in the desert. He thought it would be happy here," said Trowa, petting its muzzle.

"All the animals love Trowa," said Catherine. "It's like he has a special bond with them. They get irritable and restless when he's not around."

"Cool! Monkeys!" Duo exclaimed, running up to the monkey cage. The monkeys immediately started screeching and leaping about madly.

"Careful, Duo, you're scaring them!" Trowa warned.

"Naaaah, they're just excited, they like me!" said Duo, reaching out to pet one…

SPLAT.

Duo felt something smelly and warm hit him in the side of his face. "What the…" He gingerly touched it and stared at the brown mess in his hand. "Shit!"

Trowa struggled to keep a straight face. "Um, yeah."

The other monkeys decided to follow their fellow monkey's example and started to fling their poop at Duo.

"Aaaaahhh! Nooooooo!" Duo cried as he was pelted with pieces of… monkey droppings. He ran from the vicinity of the monkey cage, away from the monkey's firing range.

Hilde was laughing so hard she was leaning on Catherine for support, who was giggling as well. "Oh, D-Duo…" laughed Hilde, "you-you… sh-should… see yourself…"

"It's not funny!" said Duo, trying to get the mess out of his hair, and only managing to spread it more. "Damn it! Crap!"

"Exactly!" Hilde burst into another fit of the giggles.

"Well, I told you you were scaring them," said Trowa. "They were simply defending themselves…"

"By throwing their _poop_ at me?"

"I don't know, don't ask me to fathom what goes on in the mind of a monkey," said Trowa.

"C'mon, Duo, let's get you cleaned up," said Catherine. "I'm sure we'll have some clothes that will fit you. I don't think you'll be those back…"

"You'll probably want to hose him off," said Trowa.

"_Hose_ me off?"

"Well, I'm not touching you covered in… that," said Catherine, looking at his poop-covered clothes. "Let's go, Duo, follow me… the hose is over by the elephants…"

"_Elephants_?"

~*~

"That water was cold," complained Duo, who was back in Trowa and Catherine's trailer, re-braiding his now clean hair and wearing a pair of Trowa's jeans and a yellow t-shirt.

"Well, you can't really be picky about it," said Catherine, "after all, you shouldn't have made those monkeys angry in the first place."

The trailer door opened and Trowa and Hilde walked in. "Trowa showed me the rest of the animals," said Hilde. "The monkeys liked me, Duo; Trowa even let me hold one…"

"Yeah, well, I never liked monkeys that much anyway," said Duo.

"Yeah, especially now that they've thrown their… excrement at you," teased Hilde.

"Oh thanks," said Duo, a little miffed. "Glad to see you've had a good laugh at my expense."

"Oh, and I'm sure you would have been rolling on the ground laughing your ass off if it had been me," said Hilde. She looked at her watch. "Well, I guess we'd better get going. It's getting kinda late, and I'm sure you have to get up early to prepare for tomorrow's performance."

"Five o'clock every morning," said Catherine. "We have two performances for tomorrow; one in the afternoon and one in the evening. It's all in the life of a circus performer."

Trowa and Catherine walked Duo and Hilde back out to the front of the main tent. "Thanks for visiting us," said Trowa. "We hope to see you guys again soon…"

No one saw the impish look in Duo's eyes. Oh, he was going to be back sooner than they thought…

~*~

A black Ford pickup truck with a license plate labeled 'SHNIGAMI' drove into the circus camp later that night, even though it technically was already morning. The truck drove past the main circus tent and parked by the animal cages. A figure dressed all in black jumped out of the truck and stealthily snuck past the cages, avoiding the monkeys' cage with a wide berth.

The lions immediately became alert, sensing movement nearby. They sniffed the air, trying to identify the scent. The black figure reached into its _enormous_ pants pockets and pulled out two large steaks. Unwrapping them, the person threw them between the bars to the lions. The lions immediately set upon the meat, veraciously eating the steak in a few bites.

A pair of violet eyes flashed mischievously in the darkness. Duo had laced the steaks with enough sedative to lay an entire barracks of OZies out cold. He just hoped it would be enough. Kidnapping Heero's ferret was one thing, but kidnapping two grown 400-pound lions was quite another. For one thing, it was a lot harder. Duo was starting to think this wasn't such a good idea after all… putting super glue on Trowa's trapeze bars would be much easier…

'No! Duo Maxwell does not give up!' After all, he had once seen Relena puck up two lions at once… how the hell had she done it? But those weren't as huge as these… those must have just been cubs or something… Maybe he could settle for kidnapping just one lion. How was he supposed to get them into his truck anyway? He wished he had someone to help him…

Duo watched as one lion gave a big, sleepy yawn and curled up to sleep. The other lion did the same. Soon both of them were out like a light. 'Showtime.' Duo easily picked the lock open on the cage door and stepped inside. 'Okay, how am I gonna do this…' Duo grabbed the lion's two front paws and pulled. He barely managed to drag the lion a couple of inches. 'Shit, this is heavier than I thought…'

Duo stepped back out of the cage and pondered the lions again. He looked at the cage. 'Wait a minute… they're a traveling circus… the cage is on _wheels_…' Mentally cursing himself, he went to his truck and backed it up to the cage. He got out and linked the cage to his trailer hook. Chuckling gleefully to himself, he got back into his truck and drove away, lions in tow.

Trowa was going to be in for a _big_ surprise tomorrow…

~*~

"Trowa… Trowa…" 

Catherine's voice seemed to come from very far away. She shook the still sleeping Trowa. "Wake up, sleepyhead!" she said cheerily. "It's five o'clock! Time to get up!"

Trowa groaned and turned toward the wall of his bunk, away from Catherine. "Go 'way," he muttered drowsily. "S'too early… mmm sleep…"

"Sorry Trowa, but there's lots of things to do! C'mon, rise and shine!"

Trowa screwed up his face and yawned tremendously. He sat up and hit his head on the top bunk. "Owwwww…"

"You really should watch out for that and be more careful," said Catherine, throwing some clothes at Trowa. "You'd better get dressed. And get some gel for that hair, bedhead," she teased, ruffling Trowa's hair, his usual unibang sticking up in every direction.

Trowa scowled. One didn't need an alarm clock if they had Catherine for a sister… Who invented big sisters anyway? With both eyes, he shot Catherine a very accurate impression of Heero's deathglare.

Catherine just smiled and handed Trowa a piece of paper. "Now here's a lost of what Manager wants you to do today. You'd better get going!"

Trowa grabbed the sheet of paper and stumbled groggily to the bathroom. He took a quick shower and got dressed. Using a liberal amount of gel, he tamed his hair back into its usual unibang. He walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchenette, where Catherine had set out a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon, some toast, and orange juice.

Trowa looked uncertainly from the food to Catherine. "Don't worry, I got it outside from the other guys," she said. "You _can_ eat it."

Trowa took a bite of the eggs and discovered it was quite good. He looked down at his list. "Okay… feed animals…" After finishing his breakfast, he went outside and made his way over to the animal cages. He froze at what he saw.

"Trowa! Trowa!" Catherine ran toward the animal cages, waving a piece of paper in the air. Trowa had left his list at the table. "You forgot your list!" She spotted Trowa huddled on the ground, shaking. "Trowa! What's wrong?"

"The… the lions…" he murmured, his eyes strangely glassy-looking and dilated, staring blankly ahead of him. "They're…gone…"

Catherine looked toward where Trowa was staring. There were four large dents in the ground where the wheels of the lions' cage should have been. "Oh no! But who would want to take them?"

"I don't know… my poor lions… all alone… what if they're hurt? What if someone sold them on the black market?" Trowa's eyes became wide and frightened. "What if they were made into lion skins or something?!"

"Don't worry," said Catherine, "I'm sure they're okay. Come on. We'll tell Manager and everybody will help look for them." She led the nearly catatonic Trowa back to their trailer and sat him down in a chair. "I'll be right back," she said. "I'm going to tell Manager what's happened. Don't go anywhere, okay Trowa?" 

Trowa didn't even respond. He just sat there, unblinkingly, staring as though he could still see the empty space where the lion cage was supposed to be. She left for the manager's tent, figuring that Trowa wouldn't be going anywhere in his state.

Catherine returned to the trailer a few minutes later and found Trowa with his head between his knees. He seemed to have had started hyperventilating in her absence. 

"Trowa!" She went to the cupboard and grabbed a paper bag. "Here Trowa," she said, "breathe into this." Trowa took the paper bag with trembling hands. "That's it, deep breaths. I talked to Manager and he called the local police. They're looking for your lions right now. Everything's going to be okay." 

Trowa continued to gasp into the paper bag. Catherine looked at him with concern. She hadn't seen Trowa look this shaken since the time he had had amnesia and Duo had arrived at the circus and told him he was a Gundam pilot…

Right on cue, the manager ran into the trailer. "Trowa! The police have found someone who says they've spotted the lions…"

"Where?" Trowa knocked over the chair he was sitting in and turned on the vidphone that was built into the wall of the trailer. A policeman appeared on the screen. "Haveyoufoundmylions?" Trowa said in a rush.

"Not yet," said the policeman. "But we may have a lead. Someone claims to have seen a black pickup towing a large cage going down the freeway. The lions may be inside."

"Which way are they headed?"

"The truck seemed to be going east on the freeway—"

"Isn't the Sanc Kingdom in that direction?" asked Trowa.

"We believe they may try to hide within the large Sanc Kingdom Preserve," said the policeman.

"Did you get a license plate?"  
  


The officer flipped through several notes. "Actually, we only got a partial… Shini-something…"

Trowa and Catherine jerked their heads toward each other.

"DUO!!!"

~*~

Trowa's truck, once used for transporting his Gundam Heavyarms, was now barreling down east on the freeway toward the Sanc Kingdom Preserve in speeds excess of 100 miles per hour. Catherine was clutching the armrests of her seat for dear life. "Trowa!" she yelled. "Please slow down! This isn't a Gundam you know!"

Trowa's foot just continued to press down harder on the accelerator. "Must… find… lions…"

100… 105… 110… 120…

_SCREEEEEEEEECHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

"Aaaaaaahhhhh!" Catherine was violently thrown forward, and then back in her seat as the truck skidded to a halt. "What, are you trying to get us killed or something?" she screamed at Trowa.

"Look!" cried Trowa, not paying attention at all to Catherine's scolding, "there's a scrape of red paint on that tree! The lion cage has red paint! And there! You can see tire tracks going into the forest!"

Catherine took a breath from yelling at Trowa to see that he was right. "You spotted that going at 120 miles per hour?"

But Catherine was simply thrown back in her seat again as Trowa stepped down, hard, on the accelerator and drove right into the forest. Catherine screamed again. "Trowa! This is a protected wildlife sanctuary! You're destroying the habitat! Think about the animals!"

But the only animals Trowa was thinking about were, apparently, his lions…

~*~

Duo had parked his pickup and the lion cage in a clearing in the middle of the forest. The truth was, he hadn't planned on what to do with the lions once he had kidnapped them, and hiding in the forest was the only thing he could think of at the moment. After all, driving around with a pair of lions was just a little too conspicuous. So he decided to stay in this forest until he decided what to do.

Duo got out of his pickup and looked at the lions nervously. Unfortunately, it looked like the lions were going to be doing the deciding for him. The sedative was beginning to wear off, and he had already used all the sedative on the steaks. And it looked like the lions were _very_ hungry…

A flock of birds in the distance suddenly took off into the air. Then there was the sound of… branches snapping… and trees falling? Whatever it was, it was coming this way!

Trowa spotted the top of the lion cage. "There it is! I found them!" he cried happily. The truck lurched to a stop. Catherine looked up and saw Trowa running for the lion cage. She jumped out of the truck and ran after him.

"_Fuck_!" Duo saw Trowa running toward him, and Catherine not far behind. Oh, he was in serious trouble now…

Trowa and Catherine came to a stop a few feet from Duo. Trowa had a very scary glint in his eyes… "Catherine?" spoke Trowa.

"Yes?"

"I'm going to make sure the lions are okay. Will you take care of Duo for me?"

Duo did _not_ like the way Trowa said the words _take care_…

"Of course…" Duo paled as he watched Catherine procure several knives from her skirt…

"Yikes!" Duo had never run so fast in his life.

~*~

"Come back here Duo Maxwell!" Catherine yelled. "You're _so_ going to get it for what you've done to my brother!"

Duo hadn't counted on Catherine to get angry as well… now he had a brother _and_ a sister after his head… and he definitely didn't want them to be. 'I have got to stop letting people chase me through forests,' he thought. He spotted a large tree and hid behind it, hoping that Catherine would pass him…

THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. THUNK.

Duo now found himself pinned to said tree with several knives. "Shit!" he yelled as he struggled to extricate himself from the knives, but to no avail. Catherine was standing in front of him. "Trowa!" she called. "He's over here!"

To Duo's dismay, he saw Trowa and his two lions approaching him. The lions looked _very_ awake… and _very_ angry…

…and they were staring at Duo with a hungry look in their eyes.

Duo sweatdropped. "Heh… nice kitties…"

~*~

Hilde had woken up in the morning to find Duo gone. He had left a note saying that he had to leave on an emergency Preventers mission and he hoped to be back the next day. Hilde sighed and went downstairs to eat breakfast. She turned on the TV and started making some coffee.

"… a strange story… two lions have been reported missing from the local circus…"

Hilde nearly dropped the coffeepot.

"A cage with two lions has been spotted being towed by a black pickup truck going east on the freeway. If you have any information, please call…"

Hilde turned off the TV. "Preventers mission, yeah right," she scoffed. "I knew you were up to something, Duo…"

Just then there was a knock on the front door. Hilde put the coffeepot down and went to answer it. She opened the door and gasped. 

"Oh my god, Duo!" Hilde cried. "What happened to you?"

Duo stood there, with bloody scratches and claw marks all over his face and body. One arm hung limply at one side at an unnatural angle. His clothes were all torn and ragged, and had what strangely looked like several knife holes. His braid was unraveled and tattered and looked like it had been chewed and gnawed on. His face was swollen and bruised, with a large black eye, and a bloody "Hilde… help me…" he croaked.

Duo then promptly passed out on the front step.

Hilde managed to drag him inside and hoisted him onto the couch. She looked at Duo in his sorry state and sighed. "Oh Duo…" She then left for the bathroom to get some antiseptic and bandages to patch Duo back up.

~*~

Luckily for Duo, Trowa and Catherine decided not to press charges against him.

The two siblings were now standing on their trapeze platforms, about to launch into the air for their trapeze act. It was their last performance in this town before moving on to the next city on their tour.

Catherine grabbed onto her trapeze bar and swung into the air. Her hands suddenly slipped off the bar and she fell forty feet, landing in the safety net. "Aaarrgh! Damn it!" she yelled, in an unusual show of her temper, bouncing up and down in the net She looked at her hands. They were covered in a sticky, gooey black substance. _Engine grease_?

Trowa, meanwhile, had taken off into the air as well. "Catherine!" he yelled as he saw her plummet. But as he neared the next trapeze bar, he found himself unable to let go of the one he was holding on to. "What the…" 

The crowd below murmured in astonishment as Trowa swung back and forth in the air, his hands stuck to the trapeze bar. The stagehands below ran around frantically, several of them scaling the large fifty-foot ladder to try and get Trowa down. 

Trowa had no choice but to wait for them and simply hang in midair from a trapeze bar that, apparently, was covered in super glue. He immediately knew who had done it. "_Duo_," he growled.

A figure in black watched through the tent flaps, with an arm in a white sling and several cuts and bruises on his face which were still healing. His long, brown braid swung in the breeze as Duo walked away, chuckling.

_Oh what a circus, oh what a show_…

~*~

Fin


	5. The Eyebrow Queen Strikes Back

Author's Note: Hey, anybody remember this series? (hears crickets chirping) Man, tough crowd… anyways, I finally was able to finish another part of this series… it's not Quatre, I know, I still haven't come up with an idea for him yet, sorry. I believe the idea for this prank is again sabacat's. I hope all of you like it, even if you don't like Dorothy. I think she's cool! ^_^

Disclaimers: Don't own Gundam Wing. Just giving Dorothy a makeover…

The Eyebrow Queen Strikes Back

by Dorothy Winner

~*~

There was one thing about Dorothy Catalonia that bugged Duo Maxwell.

It wasn't because she had been a Romefeller spy, claimed to love war, attacked them with mobile dolls, had stabbed Quatre, used modes of transportation that always seemed to be painted gold, or even had longer hair than he did.

It was those _disturbing_ eyebrows.

She was actually kind of pretty, Duo thought, if it weren't for those eyebrows. Were they some kind of genetic mutation or something? Treize had had forked eyebrows but they weren't nearly as severe as Dorothy's. Treize and Dorothy had been cousins; some crazy genetic branch of the Khushrenada line must have wormed its way over to the Catalonia family. Well, Dorothy had no control over that, but why wouldn't she wax them or tweeze the top part off? Was there something wrong with her? Did she have a fascination with pointy things? And why were they gray when the rest of her hair was white-blonde?

When Dorothy started dating Quatre, Duo had thought Quatre could maybe make a suggestion to tweeze them or something. But Quatre didn't want her to do anything of the sort. "I like them. They're unique," he had said.

_Unique_? More like freaky, Duo thought. Was he the only one who thought there was something horribly wrong with Dorothy's eyebrows? Obviously she was facially disfigured! Duo decided to take matters into his own hands. So just as people with facial disfigurements had surgery to fix them, Duo decided to do a little "corrective surgery" of his own. Maybe if Dorothy saw what single eyebrows looked on her, she would keep them…

…which was why Duo was scaling the walls of the Winner mansion in the middle of the night with a grappling hook and some rope. When he had heard that Quatre was going on a business trip to L4 for several days, he immediately seized the opportunity. Duo stopped midway up the wall and took out a map of the Winner mansion, opening it with his teeth. 'Okay… third floor, eighth window over…' He stuffed the map back into his pocket with one hand and continued to climb up. 'Must be the one with the balcony…'

Duo swung over the railing and landed on the balcony without a sound. He pulled a pin out of his hair and easily picked the lock open on the French double doors. He turned the handle and pushed inward.

SSQQQUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAKKK.

Duo cursed inwardly. Quatre was one of the richest people in all of the Earth Sphere and the colonies… so why weren't his bedroom balcony door hinges oiled? Duo froze as he saw Dorothy stir slightly in the bed. He looked around in panic. All hell would break loose if Dorothy woke up now to find him in their bedroom… what with those forty Maguanacs wearing their bright red fez hats swarming all over the Winner compound… they would surely tear him limb from limb if they thought he was going to hurt their dear Quatre-sama's fiancée.

Duo released a pent up breath in relief as Dorothy settled back into a deep sleep. He crept forward stealthily until he stood right next to the bed. "Can't have ya waking up, now can we?" he said, pulling a chloroform rag out of one pocket and pressing it firmly over Dorothy's mouth and nose, effectively knocking her out for at least three hours. _Plenty_ of time.

Reaching into his other pocket, Duo took out an electric razor he had personally selected for the occasion and turned it on. He brought the razor to Dorothy's eyebrows, and, with the precision of a brain surgeon, carefully shaved off the top fork of each eyebrow. He reached into his pocket again and pulled out a pair of very fine eyebrow tweezers (temporarily stolen from Hilde) and leaned in to pluck any stray hairs. Finding it a task that wasn't so easy to do in the dark, he grabbed his pocket flashlight, and, tweezers in one hand and flashlight in the other, spent the next ten minutes meticulously shaping her eyebrows into "the final product."

Duo soon ended up with a crick in his neck from leaning over her for such a prolonged period of time and squinting to see the hairs. He slowly straightened and surveyed his work. "Not bad, if I do say so myself," he said proudly. "You'll thank me for this later, you'll see." Duo gathered everything up and stuffed them back into his pockets. He went back out to the balcony and shut the doors as they were before.

"Sweet dreams, Dotty…"

~*~

Dorothy woke up the next morning, feeling slightly disoriented, as though she hadn't slept well even though she had had a full night's sleep. Brushing her hair out of her face with one hand, Dorothy squinted at the morning sun that was pouring through the balcony doors. Turning away from the light, she noticed strange little gray hairs all over her pillow. "That's strange…" She sat up and looked down at her pillow. "What are…?" Dorothy brushed them off her pillow. "There'd better not be a cat in here…"

Dorothy stood up and walked over to her dresser to begin the lengthy task of brushing her hair, picking up her silver brush and looking up at her reflection in the mirror.

She screamed.

She screamed, one long, high, blood-curdling, ear-splitting note that hurt the ears of every single person in the entire Winner compound. Within two seconds, about twenty Maguanacs poured into the bedroom, all still in their pajamas.

"Maguanacs, protect Dorothy-sama!" Abdul shouted, which probably wouldn't have sounded so ridiculous if he hadn't been wearing just his camel-patterned boxers. A group of Maguanacs surrounded Dorothy, while the rest went to block every window and door. When it became evident that there was no intruder, Abdul turned to Dorothy. "Dorothy-sama?"

"Get away from me, all of you!" Dorothy yelled, pushing the Maguanacs out of her way. "_WHO—DID—THIS—TO—ME_?!" she shouted in a terrible voice, jabbing a finger at one single eyebrow.

The Maguanacs stared at Dorothy's eyebrows in astonishment, but no one dared to speak, because every single one of them had absolutely no clue whatsoever.

"Well, _FIND OUT_!!!" Dorothy bellowed.

"Yes, Dorothy-sama!" the Maguanacs exclaimed in unison and immediately began to leave the room, lest they be the last one left for Dorothy to vent her wrath upon.

Dorothy hurled her silver hairbrush into her dresser mirror with a terrific crash. "Whoever did this will _PAY_!!!"

~*~

"What do you _mean_ you can't find anything on the security cameras?" Abdul exclaimed desperately. "If I can't find out who it is, she'll eat me alive!"

Auda and Ahmed were sitting at a security monitor station, going through video surveillance of the previous night to no avail. "If only Quatre-sama were here; he'd be able to calm her down," said Auda.

"Whoever did this would have to be really good if they got through the security system," said Ahmed, "Heero Yuy designed it himself. But they weren't after money or anything. They just… shaved her eyebrows."

"I don't get it," said Abdul. "It's almost as if it were a practical joke."

"_What did you say_?" came Dorothy's voice from behind them.

All three Maguanacs fell out of their chairs in fear and shock. They quickly scrambled to their feet and saluted. "Dorothy-sama!"

"Let me ask you again, what was it that you said, Abdul?" Dorothy repeated tersely.

"A—a practical joke, Dorothy-sama?" Abdul stammered.

Dorothy suddenly recalled a vidphone conversation with Catherine from a week before, in which she mentioned the kidnapping of Trowa's lions by a certain braided ex-Gundam pilot…

"Take me to the airport. _Now_."

~*~

"Whaddaya _mean_ the flight's been canceled?!" Duo exclaimed.

"I'm very sorry, Mr. Smith, but the plane is in the process of being repaired for an engine malfunction. The next flight will depart in approximately two hours—"

"No, no, you don't understand," said Duo, "this is an emergency; I have to leave right now. Can't the next flight leave any sooner?"

"As I said, Mr. Smith, the next flight is in two—"

"Look, just put me on to a flight to anywhere. _Anywhere_. I just need to leave here _now_…"

"Your ticket only covers the flight you are scheduled for and any possible delays or cancellations. I cannot change your destination—"

"Fine, fine, I don't care," said Duo, "I'll pay for another ticket…"

"Ticket purchases must be done twenty-four hours in advance of the flight…"

Meanwhile, there was a commotion going on at the metal detectors. "Hey, lady, you can't bring that through here," said a security guard as Dorothy, accompanied by Abdul, Auda, and Ahmed, went right past him, completely disregarding the loud beeps as her fencing foil registered on the metal detector.

Auda showed the security guard his identification. "Maguanac Corps, Winner Enterprises, emergency business meeting, please let us through, it's just a carry-on, really; she wouldn't hurt a fly…"

But from the look on her face, it definitely looked like Dorothy would be hurting something much more significant than a fly as travelers scurried out of her warpath.

"No, no, no," Duo moaned frantically as he saw Dorothy marching up the concourse. He began to climb over the ticket counter. "Um, miss, would you mind if I just duck behind your counter for a second?"

"_Excuse me_, sir," the woman said angrily, "this area is restricted to employees only, and I have just about had it with your antics…"

Dorothy noticed a disturbance going on at one of the ticket counters. It was none other than Duo Maxwell, trying to hide behind it. Suddenly, all she could see was red. "DUO MAXWELL!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Duo 'eeped' and attempted to escape on the baggage conveyer belt, only to have one of the baggage handlers haul him off. "Excuse me, sir, but passengers are not allowed beyond the ticket counter." The burly man hoisted Duo back over the counter. "Please don't do that again."

Duo turned around and found himself face to face with a _very_ angry Dorothy, to put it mildly. "So… h-how do you like the new look?"

Dorothy's eyes narrowed into slits. "You very well know the answer to _that_, Duo." She slowly raised her fencing foil until it was pointed straight at his heart. "My fiancée may be a pacifist… but I certainly am _not_." She tilted her head slightly, a sadistic glint coming to her eyes. "This is too easy… You have ten seconds, Maxwell… and then I'm coming after you."

"Yikes!" Duo took off like a shot as Dorothy ominously began counting down his ten precious seconds…

~*~

"Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" a traveler yelled angrily as Duo grabbed their baggage cart. "I paid three credits for that thing!"

"Thanks!" Duo yelled back as he began to ride the cart as a sort of scooter, careering comically around ticket lines, seats, and travelers.

"Two can play at that game, Maxwell!" Dorothy shouted. She jumped onto an airport taxi that just happened to be passing by at that moment, shoving the poor driver out of his seat. Its two passengers, fearing for their lives, jumped out as Dorothy slammed her foot down on the accelerator.

"Shit," Duo said to himself as he looked back to see Dorothy barreling full speed after him down the concourse. Duo veered sharply to the left onto a walkway belt. "Coming through! Coming through!" he shouted as the poor travelers on the belt yelled and screamed, diving over the glass partition, luggage and all, to avoid being run over.

"Run all you want, Maxwell!" Dorothy cried, waving her fencing foil in the air like a mad war general as she drove down the middle of the concourse between the up and down walkway belts. "You can't escape me!"

The walkway ended and Duo swerved to the right onto another concourse. "Watch out, coming through!" he yelled.

"Cool! I didn't know they were filming a chase scene for an action movie here!" one traveler exclaimed, avidly taking pictures.

"Idiot! Do you see any cameras? Get out of the way!" yelled another traveler as he narrowly missed being run over by Dorothy.

Duo looked over his shoulder to see Dorothy catching up to him. He spotted a flight of stairs between a pair of up and down escalators ahead of him. He put on an extra burst of speed. "Heads up!" he yelled. The travelers on the escalators and stairs screamed and ducked as Duo and the cart went sailing through the air above them and landed miraculously at the bottom of the stairs. "Sorry!" he added as he kept going on his cart.

"Damn you, Maxwell!" Dorothy shouted angrily, jumping out of her airport taxi. She slid down the handrail and began running after Duo on foot down yet another concourse, an impressive feat in her three-inch heels.

The chase continued down yet another concourse, which happened to come to a dead end. "I've got you now, Maxwell!" Dorothy shouted triumphantly.

Thinking quickly, Duo spotted a flight that was boarding passengers. "Sir, you're not allowed past… Sir! Sir!" shouted the flight attendant as Duo ran onto the walkway. He got onto the airplane and ran through the cabin until he came to another exit. He opened it and pulled the cord for the land escape slide. "C'mon, c'mon…" The escape slide inflated and Duo slid down. He got onto a baggage truck that was conveniently parked nearby and began driving away as fast as he could.

Dorothy went down the slide after him. "Very clever, Maxwell, but you're only prolonging the inevitable!" Just then, a maintenance worker, having noticed the bright yellow escape slide inflate, drove up in his truck. He got out to take a look at what had happened when Dorothy hopped into his truck and drove after Duo.

"Hey! That's my truck! Hey, come back here!" the maintenance worker yelled in vain.

The chase began anew as Dorothy chased Duo up and down the airplane runways, swerving and skidding on the tarmac. All of a sudden, the engine of Duo's truck started to groan and sputter. "No, no, no; not now…" The hood began to smoke. "Shit, no…"

Just as Duo noticed a sign that said 'Do Not Operate, Needs Repair' on the windshield, a small explosion in the engine threw him out of the truck. Stunned, Duo lay on the tarmac for a few moments. He began to get up only to find Dorothy standing over him, her fencing foil at his throat.

"Gotcha."

~*~

Quatre sat at a business meeting on L4 with Rashid, listening to a presentation on building additional mining facilities on the L4 satellites, when he suddenly gasped in pain.

Rashid turned to him, alarmed. "Quatre-sama! Are you all right?"

Quatre looked at him. "My heart hurts…"

~*~

Duo opened his eyes to a bright white light shining above him. "Where… am I?"

The face of Iria Winner appeared in his vision. "Oh, good, Mr. Maxwell, you're awake. You had us worried there for a second."

"Huh? Am I dead?"

Iria laughed. "Oh, goodness, no, Duo; you're alive and well. I'm Dr. Iria Winner, Quatre's sister."

"Aren't _you_ dead?"

"I assure you I'm not dead; I was just badly injured after I took the impact for Quatre in the explosion that killed our father."

"What?" Duo attempted to sit up, only to feel an excruciating pain lance up his left side. "Aaaaahhhhhhhh!!!"

"Oh _no_, Duo, please don't try to move; you just came out of surgery a few hours ago. You're very lucky to be alive; Dorothy's fencing foil missed your vital organs. Just a centimeter to the right would have struck your liver, and then perhaps your story would have taken a more tragic turn of events."

"Huh?"

Iria looked at Duo quizzically. "Well, perhaps your anesthetic hasn't completely worn off _quite_ yet… anyways, I'm pleased to tell you that your girlfriend Hilde has just arrived; she's just been _so_ worried about your condition. I'll leave you two alone for a bit."

Iria left the room and Hilde rushed in. "Oh, Duo!" she exclaimed, running to the bed and hugging him. "I'm so _glad_ you're okay!" She pulled back. "What the _hell_ did you think you were doing?!"

"Huh?"

"Aaaargh!" Hilde threw up her hands in frustration. "You shaved off Dorothy's eyebrows, remember? She _stabbed_ you, remember?"

"Oh yeeeeaaaaaahh," said Duo, suddenly remembering everything now.

"Not to mention all the chaos you caused at the airport…"

"Awww, that was the best part, Hilde-babe," said Duo.

"_Duo_!" Hilde exclaimed in exasperation, stomping out of the room.

"Hey, Hilde, where're ya going?" Duo called after her. "Do you think you could get me something to eat?"

Hilde passed Iria in the hallway. "I'm sorry, Iria, but I think you performed the wrong surgery," she huffed.

"What do you mean?" asked Iria.

"What Duo really needs is _brain_ surgery."

~*~

Fin


End file.
